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Relational Styles

Introduction​

At Polyamory+ Victoria, we celebrate the diversity of relational styles and the many ways people choose to connect, love, and form communities. Relationships are not one-size-fits-all; they are unique expressions of our identities, values, and desires. Whether you are new to exploring different ways of relating or are a seasoned practitioner of alternative relationship models, our aim is to provide a welcoming space to learn, share, and grow.

This page offers an overview of various relational styles, from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy, including polyamory, open relationships, and relationship anarchy. Each style has its own philosophy and approach to love, intimacy, and commitment, reflecting the rich tapestry of human connection.

Our goal is not to prescribe any particular way of relating but to provide information and resources to help you discover and understand what feels right for you. We recognise that people often have slightly different definitions of relationship terms, and we encourage you to consider whether our definitions align with your own understanding. It’s also important to check in with your friends, partners, and potential connections to explore how your definitions might align or differ. We invite you to join us in fostering a community where all forms of ethical relationships are celebrated and supported, promoting curiosity, respect, and open-mindedness in every interaction.

Explore the sections below to learn more about each relational style, their principles, and how they might resonate with your own journey of connection and love. For additional information see our Resources page.

Ethical Non-monogamy​

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for any relationship style that involves more than one romantic, emotional, or sexual partner at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. This includes a variety of practices and structures, such as polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and swinging, among others. Ethical non-monogamy emphasises honesty, communication, and consent, allowing individuals to explore multiple connections in a way that feels right for them and their partners.

Monogamy​

Monogamy is a relationship structure in which an individual has a romantic, emotional, and/or sexual relationship exclusively with one partner at a time. This can be in the context of a lifelong commitment, such as marriage, or in a series of exclusive relationships over time. Monogamy is often viewed as a traditional relationship style, but like all relationship types, it can vary greatly depending on the individuals involved and their mutual agreements.

Polyamory​

Polyamory symbol

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy where individuals engage in multiple romantic, emotional, and/or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the informed consent of everyone involved. Unlike other forms of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory often emphasises long-term, emotionally connected relationships that may or may not involve sexual intimacy. It is based on principles of openness, honesty, communication, and mutual respect, allowing people to form meaningful connections with more than one partner.

A Brief History of Polyamory​

The term "polyamory" comes from the Greek word "poly," meaning "many," and the Latin word "amor," meaning "love." While the term itself was coined in the early 1990s, the concept of having multiple romantic or intimate partners with the knowledge and consent of all involved has a much longer history.

In the 19th and early 20th centuries, various intentional communities experimented with non-monogamous practices, exploring alternative relationship structures outside traditional norms. These communities challenged traditional monogamous norms and explored the possibility of maintaining romantic or sexual relationships with more than one person at a time. The countercultural movements of the 1960s and 1970s further pushed the boundaries of traditional relationship structures, leading to the development of what we now recognise as the modern polyamory movement.

The contemporary polyamory movement began to take shape in the late 20th century as individuals and communities sought to navigate relationships outside of the traditional monogamous framework. With the rise of the internet, polyamorous communities found new ways to connect, share experiences, and develop a shared understanding of their values and practices. This movement is characterised by a commitment to open communication, honesty, consent, and mutual respect among all partners involved.

Today, polyamory is practised by people around the world who believe that love is not a finite resource and that it's possible to have multiple meaningful, loving relationships simultaneously. It challenges the traditional notion that romantic love must be exclusive to one person and instead celebrates the diversity of human relationships and the many ways love can be expressed.

Relationship Anarchy​

Relationship Anarchy symbol

Understanding the Evolution and Principles​

Relationship Anarchy (RA) is a radical philosophy of love and relationships that emerged in the early 2000s in Stockholm. It was shaped by a unique blend of countercultural influences, including polyamory, anarchist politics, fetishism, and a deep commitment to personal freedom and equality.

The Relationship Anarchy Manifesto (2006)​

The original Relationship Anarchy Manifesto, published in 2006 by Andie Nordgren, laid the foundational principles for this approach. It introduced RA as a rejection of traditional relationship norms and hierarchies, emphasising that:

  1. No Preset Rules:

    Relationships do not need predefined rules or roles. Instead, each relationship can be defined and shaped uniquely by the individuals involved, based on their own desires and agreements.

  2. Value of All Relationships:

    All types of relationships — whether romantic, platonic, or familial — are viewed as equally valuable. RA rejects societal expectations that prioritise romantic relationships above all others.

  3. Freedom from Control:

    Central to RA is the belief that love should not involve control or ownership. RA encourages relationships built on mutual respect, freedom, and the absence of coercive dynamics.

  4. Fluid Understanding of Love and Gender:

RA discards traditional ideas about gender and sexual attraction, advocating for a more fluid understanding of these concepts. It promotes the idea that relationships should not be limited by societal definitions of love, gender, or sexuality.

The manifesto was a call to dismantle the "cages" that societal norms place around relationships, encouraging individuals to form connections based on mutual agreement and personal freedom rather than predefined roles or expectations.

The Road to Relationship Anarchy (2018)​

In 2018, Andie Nordgren published The Road to Relationship Anarchy, reflecting on the RA philosophy since the manifesto's release. This piece provided a deeper analysis and evolved understanding of RA, particularly focusing on the complexities and challenges that had emerged over time.

  1. Critical Reflection on Power Dynamics:

    Nordgren highlighted the importance of recognizing power dynamics within relationships. They argued that while RA promotes freedom from structured norms, it must also be mindful of how "structurelessness" can inadvertently benefit those who already hold power. In relationships with skewed power dynamics, awareness is crucial to ensure fairness and prevent exploitation.

  2. A Call for Conscious Structuring When Needed:

    While RA often advocates for minimal structure, Nordgren acknowledged that some degree of structure might be necessary to protect individuals and ensure equity. Declaring certain boundaries or agreements can help safeguard against potential harm and create a more balanced relationship dynamic.

  3. Acknowledging the Work Involved:

    RA requires significant effort and intentionality from those involved. Building relationships outside societal norms means creating new agreements and understanding from scratch, which can be both challenging and rewarding. Nordgren emphasised the importance of ongoing dialogue, reflection, and commitment to these principles.

  4. Inclusivity and Queerness:

    RA has resonated particularly within queer communities, providing a framework that feels inclusive and adaptable enough to accommodate diverse identities and relationship styles. It challenges the heteronormative and mononormative assumptions that often underpin traditional relationship models.

Conclusion: A Dynamic and Evolving Philosophy​

Relationship Anarchy continues to evolve as a philosophy, informed by both its foundational principles and the lived experiences of those who practise it. It calls for a radical rethinking of how we approach relationships, advocating for freedom, equality, and a rejection of all forms of control and power imbalance.

By integrating these principles with a nuanced understanding of power dynamics, RA offers a path for creating relationships that are both free and fair. It encourages individuals to be mindful of their own power and privilege and to strive for relationships that are equitable, consensual, and deeply respectful.

For a deeper understanding of Relationship Anarchy and its evolving perspectives, readers are encouraged to explore both the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto and The Road to Relationship Anarchy by Andie Nordgren. These concise documents offer valuable insights into the philosophy's core tenets and its ongoing development within various communities.